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[ website | Le Oubliette Noir ]
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[20 Nov 2004|02:35am]
[ mood | new ]

people are commenting on my jounral. I find this strange and amusing.
I have a new journal and I was debating on keeping this one too.
I probably wont.
So if you want to stay on my friends list add la_jabberwocky and I will add you back.

Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given

My head speaks a language
I don't understand

I don't want to die
But I ain't keen on living either

Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running

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[19 Nov 2004|02:38pm]
[ mood | grossed out ]

http://www.livejournal.com/community/goth_eyeliner/
The fat goth at Dennys is the worst. God I hate fat goths that cant do their makeup.
Andi said they arnt goths they are mansonites.
He has a new pic out- www.vampirefreaks.com/profile.php?user=Andi_Glitterghoul
(but really this is the pic I like http://www.vampirefreaks.com/pictureview.php?pic=user_pics/A/Andi_Glitterghoul/1110563.jpg)
I have a bladder infection. I hate it. I wish Ryan was here. I want to curl up in a ball with him. I want him to take care of me. The last few days have been a lot better as far as my "relationship problem" goes. I love him. Its just not a "marry me and lets be together forever, oh my god where have you been I cant think straight" love.
I skipped school. I was going to go but I overslept and missed math then i spent so much time trying to do my eyeliner right I missed the bus. All my lieing and sceeming to get that make up test is wasted cause I missed it. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I feel horrible.
My imaginary consience tells me "Your stronger then this. Snap out of it." He's right but I want to hide in the corner in a fetal position and lick the bible for strength anyway.
I am going to send Ryan out to get me juice and food and some of the rent money. I'll just give him my debit card... I cant leave the house yet. Hopefully I can by time he gets home from work so I can go with him.
He started wearing his nice shirt over his teshirts to work. So I cuddle and fondle him when he gets home. then he takes it off. Says its uncomfterable.

2 comments|post comment

Beefy [18 Nov 2004|05:36pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Your Penis Name is: Beefy McManstick



I got a great hit in fencing against one of the aids (not just my fellow student) it was like sex. I wanted a cig afterwards. Man that felt good.
I might be posing nude for an art class. I have to see what Ryan decided. I was really nice and asked how he would feel about it instead of just telling him I was doing it. (see I can be good).

I can't wait to start french and new next term. The only classes I like are math and fencing...I would like fencing more if it wasent 8:30 in the morning and I didnt suck so bad.
Oh ya. I turned my back on my opponant and Sean made me do 5 push ups. I think he felt bad cause he knows I have no upper arm strength and it would be embarrasing when I couldnt do them but he made me do it anyway cause he treats me equal and I like it. I did them but they werent as deep as they should have been. fter class Steve, this really funny smart guy (teacher aid) and the guy I hit (cant remember his name) gave me pointers and we all had a big laugh cause they told me I was really intimidating cause of my size (I'm 5 feet) I always thought this was a huge advantage for THEM but the whole time they were fighting harder cause I had the advantage. they told me how I could beat them and I found myself starting to act like a girl and get all giggly then mentaly slaped myself out of it. They see me as an equal, an athlete, a fencer like them. Not a girl. Its habit for me to try to manipulate guys that surround me like that (out of fear or ego I dont know) but I was able to stop myself.
8 comments|post comment

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair [16 Nov 2004|05:53pm]
Actual metaphors used in high school writing.
Read more...Collapse )
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[16 Nov 2004|05:36pm]
Three reasons in the last three weeks Ryan is the best:
1- After a big fight I get off the bus from school and he is just standing there out of nowhere.
2- He said he loved my eyes.
3- Really good sex.
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[15 Nov 2004|04:14pm]
I'm an art major again.
I got a 90% on my math test.
I am going insane.
I want french to be over and done with.
Get out of my life.


So many things I can't talk about.
I cannot keep two things under wraps at the same time. its eating me a live and its all my fault.
3 comments|post comment

[11 Nov 2004|07:04pm]
[ mood | so very pissed off ]

Levi is in town. i spent the day with him and found what to get him for christmas (we are celibrating way early since he wont be here for the real one). I brought him over so he could play Dekes keyboard cause I wanted to show Ryan how good he is. We couldnt found the power cord to make it work and I whined to Deke about it and he found it for me. i was so glad. Then Levi stated playing as he was walking out the door and he got this great look on his face and so did Ryan. I love showing my little brother off to people. Ryan left to go to the bank and get some food but he's been gone for at least an hour!! he said he would be right back. I am so pissed at him. We were right in the middle of a game and I wanted Levi to play more. I don't understand why he's not back yet. I am so angry.
Still no job. Life sucks. When i go to my dads tomarrow I will use his phone to job hunt.
We saw A Sharks tale. It would have been much better if it wasent an ode to american black culture. God I hate it. It's not the people I hate (well I dont hate them anymore then I hate any white person anyway) but the culture makes me want to throw up all over myself then go on a hate crime rampage.
Yo G!!! Wazzup!!
*shoot self in head*
That movie had 3 black actors yet they turn it into "the Godfather meets Carwash".

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new journal soon and drama [07 Nov 2004|01:38pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I am going to delete

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<ljcomm=drama-core>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

I am going to delete <ljcomm=drama-core> no one can seem to understand the point of the community. cause they are all fucking morons.
So yesterday I admitted my dirty little secret to Terry and he insisted that it would be better with andi involed. Andi is a friend of his in Salem or somwhere... One of those goth guys that are way to pretty for their own good. I didn't want to talk to him at all but he kept asking Terry for my aim name and I said that if Terry was in the room then I would do it. I was being uncommonly shy about the fact that Terry told him about a certain fantacy I had going on...
But he wasent like I expected him to be. Not totally. he wasent stupid and was perfectly sweet and didn't act pretentious about any of it. Him and Terry flirted and god help me I flirted right back and it felt great. 8months I've been the perfect girlfriend and I sliped up. So shoot me. Anyway ryan got bored and came in the room. I wanted him to go away but there was nothing I could do. When he started pouting and setting my art palette on fire I knew he saw some of the conversation. But I couldnt stop myself.Or wouldnt.
Ryan is my first real relationship. before him all I had was casual sex and I liked it better that way. Now I want the relationship but can't deal with having only one person. I'm a true poligamist. My dream relationship is two guys.people don;t understand this and ryan is one of them. but going so long without freedom or casual sex is very hard for me and everyday I get up and make the choice to be a good girlfriend and not cheat.
I'm not perfect. I can't help wanting what I want but I don't do anything. Even things I wouldnt consider cheating i don't do because I know that would be crossing the line for Ryan.
I don't make friends easy and I like Terry. i want to stay friends with him but I also want Ryan to trust me.
I was angry at Andi and Terry both. They agreed I did Ryan wrong when they both knew he existed and didn't care at all at the time.I was offended at Andi for taking the moral high ground over me when I'd just met him, and at Terry for not being supportive of me when I clearly needed to be told I hadent done anything wrong.
Andi seems to be a very nice person and terry thinks very highly of him. it's hard for people to be my friend because when they get close I start to back away. I'm debating the whole "do I even need to talk to this person now that my reason for doing so in the first place is gone"? I also have to be careful about Ryan. he knows I wont avoid Terry but if I keep talking to Andi what does that say? hes not my friend there would be no reason too. But then a larger part of me hates that I'm even considering his feeling on who I talk to. and now I think I am putting way to much thought into it and need to quit.
So ryan called me away from the computer and said "why don't you just leave?" I pretended not to know what he was talking about at first then when i thought he was breaking up with me when I have been trying my best I broke down. i thought "it was all for nothing. these 8 months are wasted. I can't go back to the way I was" he dosent understand why I cant just be with him and not want to be with other people. he said he wasent dumping me but I could tell he was hurt and angry and so was I because I still dont think anything i did was wrong. wanting soemthing and differnt things. But we are fine now. even had make up sex the next morning and I even did things I usually don't to try and make up for hurting his feelings.Thats it. all the drama of last night.

My hand is killing me from fencing last week. It's hard to type.
I am going to make a new journal soon. I am attached to this name but i think it's time for a change. I still havent finished my french homework or studied at all and probably wont.
and I have decided to drop pyche next term and take an art history class instead. I'm still unpacking and unemployed. I would have a job by now if it werent for the lack of phone. I am spening too much cash on pay phones.
Goddamn this was a long entry.
1 comment|post comment

[06 Nov 2004|08:05pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

I can't find a site that sells french clothes (that arnt buisness suits or something) I am so irritated I feel ready to throw this computer out a window. I want clothes for teens or young adults.
I just want good examples of french style. can someone tell me a site before I am forced to take a baseball bat to this thing?

1 comment|post comment

[06 Nov 2004|10:57am]
[ mood | fucking pissed off ]

*beats Ryans on the head with bat*
He is driving me fucking crazy!!!!
I wanna scream and scream until his head explodes.
He forgets to feed the stupid hedge hog and I am not doing it anymore. I hope it dies. When it does I am going to hand it to him and say "Here you wanted it even though you never cleaned it's cage once in your life and never play with it so here now you don't have to feed or water it. It's a perfect pet besides the rotting.
And then he keeps wanting to cut his fucking hair and will take scissors and hold them up while I scream at him.
I tried compliments I tried sex I tried anger and he keeps bitching as if cutting it will make it look better or like it better when I know he will just bitch about it then too "uhhh where is my hair gell my hair looks like shit" yes. yes it does.
AND to top it all off this morning I go to eat the pizza I SAVED FOR BREAKFAST CAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER FOOD OR MONEY and all three slices are gone. he ate them. Knowing they were mine and I had nothing else. and then he wants to know if I'm pissed. WELL FUCKING YES I AM PISSED. and he wants to know if I want another pizza. Says that he "well I have to go to the bank but I was going to Safeway anyway". All this while giving me a look that I interpet as "Why are you angry with me? Don't make me get up. You are going to guilt trip me arnt you?" So I held it all in. The past few days of me giving all my affection and being loving and him "being stressed" and being an asshole, well I held it all in and finannly told him to get bread and lunch meat from Safeway. I didnt ask for another pizza.and now you are all going "wow way to overreact. It was a pizza." It was fucking mine and he didnt even leave me one slice. if he ate two and left me one I wouldnt have been happy but I wouldnt want to rip his head off eigther. I cannot belive how rude and shitty he is being. but it's ok cause he's under stress.
Well hey I am too.
I have an exam to make up french thats hard and school puts me under alot of stress not to mention to stress i have trying to find a job. Everything is fine and dandy in his life. is problems are all "ohh I don't like my job. Moving is stressfull" We moved ONLY because he whined and bitched that he has no friends and noone wants to visit. I put myself in a very stressful position here. I was happy on my side of town. I knew where everything was and how to get there and I knew the people on the bus and now I hand out in the library until 5:20 so I can ride home with him so I don't get lost...again. and hey there was no fucking coke or meth where we lived before! Super!!
I am bitter and unhappy and angry and I want to cry.

2 comments|post comment

[30 Oct 2004|06:07pm]
I Am The 3rd Party:

The Libertarian Party: Based on the philosophies of the founding fathers you believe in near total personal liberty, defensive-only military, and economic freedom. Your members vary from those who wish nearly no government to those who want a minimalist government. You are also a popular vote among people who wish to cause the two main parties to think about liberty more often. You rock!
Find out what 3rd party you are!

But I voted for Kerry. It's him and Bush and he needs all the help he can get. I love bush but I hate the president.
Sitting around nervous waiting for Ryan to get back. I hate waiting. My pirate costume turned out pretty damn cool though.
3 comments|post comment

[28 Oct 2004|08:14pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I got my ass kicked in fencing today. I keep putting all my weight on my back leg and can't retreat fast enough. But it was a lot of fun. I was hyped up and didn't want to stop.
Probably going to the haunted house tomarrow. Levi and my mom will be in town.
I didn't go to my french tutor like I planned to. For no reason. I was tired and overwealmed. Oh well.
Watched Onibaba. It kicked so much ass.
I had to pay a 12 buck fine at blockbuster. Stupid movies.Blockbuster is evil. and pay for gas to get some more things moved to my new place...
I am going to try to get Ryans birthday present tomarrow. and hopefully find a good glove at Walmart. I hate the schools fencing gloves they are huge and itchy and I can;t feel the foil.
I couldnt find my fencing pants this mprning and I was going to miss the bus. I got so angy I tore the sheets off my wall (for thoose of you who have never seen my room I stapled black sheets to my walls in the place of paint) but I riped them off so hard one of the plates for the wall socket broke into pieces.

6 comments|post comment

orgeon Trail [21 Oct 2004|07:26pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

I downloaded that old game orgeon trail-
I forgot all about it. I named the leader after me (of course) and also in my group is Ryan, Tyler, cat, and deke.
At the first river I lost
2 sets of clothing
52 bullets
1 wagon wheel
1 wagon axle
709 pounds of food
3 oxen and
Cat drowned!
I suck just as much at this game as I did as a kid. its fucking great!
I will keep you all updated on who else dies.
( I should be doing my math homework that is due tomarrow but fuck that)

UPDATE: Ryan broke his leg a few days after cat drowned, but he said he felt fine and only asked "Am I still being fed cause thats all I care about."
We ran out of food and Ryan got upset but then some nice indians found some for us. I soon changed the meal plan to meager and Ryan was not pleased.
I was a huge failure at hunting.
because of this Ryan died. Presumably from lack of food and an infection.
I killed 2 buffalo and a rabbit to celibrate his death but I could only carry 200 pounds of precious meat back to the wagon.
Tyler soon came down with fever. We came to a grave site that read "here lies andy peperony and chease".
No one will trade with me.
I quit.

12 comments|post comment

My french rocks [21 Oct 2004|05:45pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I got an 82 on my french test cause I kick so much damn ass (a 71 on my psych that I didnt study for at all oops). Also good sex and afterwards Ryan brought me chocolate. No shit.
and yesterday he bought me the new DVD for Disneys Sleeping Beauty.
I hate the people in my psych class. They keep us behind cause they feel the need to ask the teacher stupid ass questions (trying to show off how smart they are) that gets us way off subject.
I kicked ass in french today but I can;t go tomarrow cause I have this thing they won;t let me re-scedual for. Fucking bastard family services.
Ryan is in a bad mood cause his uncle died. Ryan exploded into snot and tears and I had no idea what to do so I just sat there thinking about how my mom taught me to laugh at pain. It takes real effort not to laugh when other people cry and when I managed to not crack a smile Ryan asked me why I am so good to him. I thought "cause you taught me how to be" but instead of saying that I just shruged.
Well my mom and brother are coming to town the weekend after next. I will probably get a free meal out of the whole thing.
I have to find my band and get cash so I can buy Ryan a birthday present. I have known what I was going to get him for months now. But I have to go to the mall for it and Je deteste le mall.

1 comment|post comment

fencing [20 Oct 2004|05:23pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Any fencers out there?

7 comments|post comment

agggggggggggg [20 Oct 2004|04:39pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Homework fucking blows.

2 comments|post comment

Fun quiz [15 Oct 2004|02:08pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

You are a sabre fencer.

Sabre is a weapon of explosiveness and brawn. You are almost always on the offense. You can score touches by thrusting or cutting.
What Kind of Fencer Are You?
What Kind Of Fencer Are You?

I almost cried in french today and we have a test in the beginning of next week. The last one was easy and I blew it, this one is harder.
But I think I did well on my math test even though when I was done I realized I was the only one left in the class. I am doing better in math then in french. That is the sadest thing in the world. I saw many people today at lane. Ryan, Ty, Dan and I can't remember the other guys name. Miles friend. The one I flirted with but have no real intrest in whatsoever.
That fencing quiz made me feel alot better.
2 comments|post comment

pedophile [15 Oct 2004|08:20am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

A pedophile and a six-year-old are walking through the woods, and the six-year-old says, "I'm cold, and I'm hungry, and I miss my mommy," to which the pedophile responds, "How do you think I feel? I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."
Everyone in my french class who took french in high school now sits at one table and makes rude comments and rolls their eyes when we try to conjugate verbs. It is not my fault you took french in high school you little pricks. I fucking hate people. This is French 101 what the fuck do they expect??
Everything I try to write here seems trivial.
I am reading The Poisionwood Bible. Its really good. I didn't expect it to be I just picked it up out of boredom.
So much has been going on during the weeks I was without internet I don't know where to start so I will save that for another entry. Sometimes having an active life really pisses me off. 24 hours is not enough!
The most annoying thing right now besides my helplessness at being mean to my boyfriend and having to barrow money from both our parants and the horrible once a year doctors appointment (lady's you know what I'm talking about) the french class that is going way to fast for me, the math class I have a test in today and I am behind in, the MOST bothersome thing in my life right now is none of those but the fact I only get to fence twice a week and all the other days I feel like I'm starving in a really expensive and restaurant I can't find the fucking silverware.

3 comments|post comment

last post for a while [02 Oct 2004|08:13pm]
I will be without internet for a month. So this is my last post for a while.
Today I cried cause I couldn't do my math homework.
And I am not doing near as well in french as I hoped.
Ryan explained the math to me and just sits and stares at me when I throw fits. The really funny thing is he always gets in a lower position if hes not already there- as if I was a wild animal that is easily threatend.
We had great sex last night and I told him I liked the tingly post orgasum feeling and it felt the way I thought cavemen felt after sex and that would never change. That people forget they are just human and not anything more then that. Not any better then any other beast.
Ryan tells me I'm amazing and beautiful and he's so proud of me...
He just stares at me all the time. I never know how to react to this. I don't think he has any idea how I feel cause I can't say it.
He has no idea what I used to be like. and I have no idea what he was like. It's nice to start over with someone. To be with a person who has no idea how weak and stupid you really were before you met them.
All I have eaten today is some left over taco bell and a lollipop. I want spegetti and I hardly ever like the stuff. I have no meat to put in it.from now on I am going to try to use grammer.
I downloaded imesh again (even though it is the tool of Satan) because I could no longer live without Noir Desir. I sent Ty my favorite of their songs (Lost) and he liked it. I will send him others when I get my internet back.
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[02 Oct 2004|11:57am]
[ mood | thirsty ]

I left shitty faceparty for myspace.com . It is much better. Look me up under "Wren".

Your LJ Prison by redfrog021
Username
Favorite Deadly Sin
You are convicted ofArson of a Trailer Park
And sentenced toDeath Row!
Wardennickleee
Abusive redneck guardrandvek
Easy to bribe guardprisonerkevin
Cellmateporcelana
Wants to make you their bitchtarawillhanna
Drops soap in the shower on purposetcklemehellmo
Works in the laundry and smells people's undiesnecrodiac
Comes to see you for 'conjugal visits'crunchywater
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your LiveJournal Love Life
LJ Username
You are lusted after by: tcklemehellmo
You will be seen naked by: stiverson
You will have casual sex with: nickleee
You will be loved by: stiverson
You will fall in love with: stiverson
You will end up with: onionfiend
This cool quiz by butterkitty - Taken 87797 Times.
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